living in a crystallized reality.

I speak the words you never could utter.

2010-12-09T17:22:00.000-08:00

Do you ever get the feeling that whatever it is you are talking about, people seem distinctly uninterested. Well, that may be because all anyone ever wants to hear is all the things that they want to say.

You know, you’re not the only one who has trouble admitting what how they really feel. And all this time you thought people only want compliments from you. Flattery never does much other than create uncomfortable situations. If you think about it, most people only give compliments just for the sake of it so if they don’t like giving them then why should they like receiving them? What they want to hear is their own thoughts, views and judgements being played back to them. Everything else, they disregard.

I’m so incredibly credulous.

2010-12-08T17:08:00.000-08:00

let them eat cake!

Awkward Food Moment 9/52

As I grow older everyday, I find myself getting more and more self -conscious and I nitpick all my imperfections and even criticize myself for random quirks of mine that I used to love because they made me stand out. So why is it that I cannot stand to be the person I’ve been for so long, why am I so determined to change into a person who just isn’t me?

I am gullible. It’s as simple as that. I hate following trends and whenever someone else copies something that is unique to me, I change immediately. It pleases me to be an outcast because when I was younger, I was forced to always be different. I grew up in a foreign country so I was never able to fit in. I hated the stares, I hated the gossip. Basically, I hated myself for being me.

But then I grew up. I realized that God created you as an individual and that’s the way he loves you. You don’t have to a clone of everyone else to be happy. I had convinced myself I was happy being naturally unusual. At least that’s what I thought. I came back to my own country, the country my parents were from. The events that followed were so ironic that they were almost predictable. I could easily relate to everyone but I chose not to. In some ways, I think it distanced me from many people I’d have been great friends with otherwise. No matter what my individuality deprived me of, I still felt happy - for the first time in years.

Obviously, something had to happen to make me unhappy again. I found myself subconsciously giving in to what other people demanded of me. Not just doing the things they wanted me to do, but also becoming the person they preferred me to be. I was once again turning into the person I didn’t want to be. Why was I born with this incredible need to make everyone but myself happy?

Exordium*

2010-12-08T17:07:00.000-08:00

*Exordium is the latin word for the beginning (especially of a speech), so please brace yourself for the sentimental speech that is about to follow.

Often I wonder, why am I this way? I’ve never had to face any major tragedies or been through any drastically life-changing events in my life up till now. I come from a good home, have a caring family and have some of the most amazing people on earth as my friends. Yet, I am unhappy. Why? I really wish I knew. Because if I did then maybe I could solve the issue and not be so depressed all the time.

Well, maybe you can’t exactly call it depression, it just feeling sad without any reason at all. I hate this feeling because having this feeling means that I have to lie to my near and dear ones about my happiness. This may sound cliché but I smile without any real happiness in my eyes and this makes me feel like I’m not just lying to everyone around me but even to myself.

I am tired of keeping it all in, tired of hopelessly trying to find the reason for my depression. So, I made this blog as a desperate attempt to rediscover myself and hopefully, the reason why I lost myself in the first place.